TERROR AT LONDON BRIDGE (1985)

Studio: NBC
Director: E.W. Swackhamer
Writer: William F. Nolan
Producer: Jack Michon, Richard Maynard
Stars: David Hasselhoff, Stepfanie Kramer, Randolph Mantooth, Adrienne Barbeau, Clu Gulager, Lindsay Bloom, Ken Swofford, Rose Marie, Lane Smith

Review Score:

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Summary:

Jack the Ripper goes on a modern day killing spree in Lake Havasu after a supernatural stone resurrects him on the recreated London Bridge.

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Synopsis:     Show/Hide Spoilers

London police pursue Jack the Ripper in 1888. After being shot several times, Jack falls off London Bridge. One of the bridge’s stones falls into the Thames River with Jack’s body.

In 1985, Lake Havasu celebrates the recent recovery of the missing stone as it is finally placed in the city’s London Bridge recreation. While her husband Dave checks into their hotel room, tourist Alice Williamson walks the bridge alone at night. Alice cuts her finger and bleeds on the cursed stone. Jack the Ripper supernaturally materializes and murders Alice.

Local boater Angie finds Alice’s body. Detective Don Gregory, who recently transferred from Chicago, investigates with his partner Joe Nez. Don takes a romantic interest in Angie.

Don’s desire to shut down the London Village tourist attraction while searching for the killer earns the ire of city councilman Anson Whitfield, who pushes for Don to be fired. Don receives additional pressure from police chief Peter Dawson to stick to a story that a random transient killed Alice and there is no further danger to the public. Peter disciplines Don again when Don disavows the transient theory to reporter Elaine Gardner.

Forensic analysis dates evidence from Alice’s murder to the 19th century. Meanwhile, Jack the Ripper kills Elaine Gardner.

Odd Englishman Mr. Latting checks into a local motel run by Alma Bellock. Elsewhere, Jack the Ripper assumes the identity of Roger Eddington while building a romantic rapport with librarian Lynn Chandler.

Don begins dating Angie. Don tearfully tells Angie that he left Chicago and became fearful of guns after shooting a 14-year-old thief during a botched liquor store robbery.

Lynn meets Mr. Latting at London Village. Initially attracted to him, Lynn becomes suspicious of Latting when his behavior becomes bizarre while walking around London Bridge. Still posing as Roger Eddington, Jack the Ripper intervenes. After Latting leaves, Jack cuts Lynn’s throat.

Based on the similar timeline of murders, Don theorizes someone is recreating Jack the Ripper’s killings. A threatening poem sent to newspaper editor Ed Nebel furthers Don’s theory and provides a clue connected to the bridge stone.

Suspicious of her guest’s strangeness, motel owner Alma calls Don and Joe about Mr. Latting. The two detectives investigate Latting’s room. They discover unusual evidence indicating a hatred for London Bridge, which Latting believes is cursed.

After more research, Don tells Angie his new theory that the killer is the actual Jack the Ripper, who somehow transported through time. Don asks for Angie’s help to catch Jack.

The police find Mr. Latting attempting to blow up London Bridge. Don takes a hard hit to his head while wrestling with Latting. Latting rants about London Bridge being a magnet for satanic activity. The cops arrest Latting for the killings, although Don advises he isn’t the real murderer.

After telling Pete his theory, Don collapses from the injury sustained while fighting Mr. Latting. Don wakes in the hospital three days later and realizes it is the date for the next murder. Despite doubting his unbelievable assertion, Joe and Angie agree to help Don catch Jack by using Angie as bait.

Don finds a dead cop in London Village. Following a fight, Jack knocks Don unconscious. Jack then beats down Joe and abducts Angie after a chase. Jack drags Angie to London Bridge while explaining how he will use her blood to return to his own time.

Don recovers. Overcoming the memory of his past trauma, Don arrives at the bridge in time to shoot Jack into the river below. Don and Angie reunite. The cursed stone falls into the water with Jack’s body.

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Review:

I don’t even remember what movie I was searching for. It must have been something with “Terror” in the title since one of the results Amazon Prime Video returned was “Terror at London Bridge.”

What in the world is this, I thought. A 1985 TV movie starring David Hasselhoff in which “Jack the Ripper is mystically resurrected in contemporary Arizona and goes on a killing spree in the British-style tourist trap” and I’ve never even heard of this nuttiness before? Then I saw this polished gem of a poem adorning the VHS box cover too:

There once was
a lad named Jack
Whose Tendency
was to attack.
With surgical skill,
He’d go for the kill,
And apparently he
still has the knack.

No wonder I forgot what film I actually wanted. With kooky hooks like these, I pressed Play on “Terror at London Bridge” so fast, my finger almost went through the keyboard.

You probably already know that the original London Bridge was bought by American entrepreneur Robert P. McCulloch way back when. With more money than he knew what to do with for creating a readymade tourist attraction, McCulloch had the bridge disassembled, transported, then rebuilt brick by brick in Lake Havasu of all places.

Reconstruction completed in 1971. However, “Terror at London Bridge,” which was originally titled “Bridge Across Time” when it aired in 1985, poses a plot where one of the original stones was missing. It went into the drink with Jack the Ripper when London bobbies shot him into the Thames River in 1888. 97 years later, because NBC couldn’t wait three more to tie their movie to Jack the Ripper’s centennial, that last piece is finally being returned to its new home in Arizona. Whitechapel’s notorious serial killer is returning with it, courtesy of one woman creating a supernatural portal by accidentally bleeding onto the stone. Because you know, blood and curses, or whatever. Does it really matter for a lightly loopy throwback thriller like this?

I don’t even need to “review” the film. I can just list ingredients like I’m writing a nutrition label and you’ll see how “Terror at London Bridge” provides 100% of your recommended daily dose of nostalgia.

The entrée, of course, is a fatty chunk of extra juicy David Hasselhoff ham. We were still in the midst of his “Knight Rider” high in 1985, so we’re talking vintage Hoff here. Sasquatch chest on full display in barely buttoned shirts with rolled up short sleeves, Hasselhoff plays the detective investigating Jack’s new murders. He’s a maverick who naturally plays by his own rules. He also recently transplanted from Chicago, so police chief Clu Gulager can dress him down with a periodic “that may be how they do things in The Big City, but not here hotshot!” whenever Hoff gets on his bad side.

Staple characters don’t stop at a cool cop and his by-the-book boss. There’s also a money-minded local bureaucrat demanding to keep the area open for tourists, serial killing spree be damned. An opportunist reporter sees her nosiness outdone by a motel owner played by Rose Marie. Marie’s proclivity for getting into other people’s business has her casting suspicion on a bizarre British man who may be the reddest red herring to ever appear in a movie-of-the-week mystery.

Hasselhoff isn’t the only NBC alum headlining the film. The peacock network keeps it in the family by casting Stepfanie Kramer, whose star was shining bright at the time over on “Hunter,” as Hasselhoff’s love interest. Meanwhile, versatile veteran Adrienne Barbeau makes her mark as an unusually thirsty librarian. Barbeau doesn’t know how to convincingly check sleeved cards in the back of books during idle actions. But her puffy-shouldered blouses and Golden Girls glasses help make this one of her weirder roles in B-horror.

Getting back to the main course, Hasselhoff gloriously gobbles up his scenes. Many of his moments are standard cop fare, like scribbling with a pen and notepad during exposition-laden interviews. Yet when he concocts a theory that a classic copycat is at work, then graduates to fully believing Jack the Ripper traveled through time, Hasselhoff puts enough gooey glaze in his eyes to cover a dozen boxes of Krispy Kremes.

Hasselhoff’s hyper fits of wide-eyed fever get tempered by a tender scene of tearfulness when his character recalls a traumatic incident where he shot a 14-year-old boy robbing a liquor store. He mistakenly thought the thief had a gun. It turns out the weapon was just a “can opener,” a notion so goofy you can’t help but laugh even as you’re trying to process the surprise sight of Hasselhoff crying on cue. Immediately after this comes a jarring needle drop as the camera abruptly cuts to Hasselhoff and Kramer dancing at a makeshift disco. Yep, “Terror at London Bridge” includes Hasselhoff doing something that resembles ‘The Carlton’ too. Add an eyepatch and a sentient supercar and this would be a peak performance for the iconic actor. 

Hoff’s zealousness is only one of a thousand things that make “Terror at London Bridge” zany in a way that’s endearingly enjoyable. Composer Lalo Schifrin outdoes his own “Amityville Horror” music with a spooky score that treats mild suspense like each audio sting is accompanying the most ominous event imaginable. It’s about as subtle as a boxing sequence where we’re treated to Hasselhoff’s obligatory scene of shirtless sweatiness. Whether it’s skinny ties with square bottoms, stunt people crashing through windows in slow motion, or a ‘Chamber of Horrors’ wax museum that’s just Halloween masks decorating a gift shop, the ‘80s era drips everywhere all over the movie.

Frequent Dan Curtis collaborator William F. Nolan provides a script best described as serviceable. Nolan’s simple story is clearly designed for pat plot beats, commercial breaks, and with at-home audiences too tired to change the channel in mind. Highbrow entertainment this ain’t. But “Terror at London Bridge” isn’t the type of small screen spookshow you come to for thrills 40 years after the fact. You come for the retro goodness, and this kitsch flick certainly has that in spades.

Review Score: 75

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