Studio: Fortress Media Group
Director: Gavin Wiesen
Writer: John Cregan
Producer: Kyle Hayes, Will Hayes, Christopher Barish, Jim Valdez
Stars: Tanner Stine, Kaylee Kaneshiro, Christopher Ammanuel, Ryan Whitney, Hal Cumpston, Angela Halili, Samantha Cormier, Tony Amendola, Ali Larter, Justin Long
Review Score:
Summary:
Decades after a gruesome massacre, six teenagers inadvertently release a demonic spirit by playing a cursed game of Spin the Bottle.
Review:
We used to be a proper society. Movies inspired by games used to be based on professional products that require physical purchases like Clue, Battleship, and Ouija. In our current economy, apparently producers can no longer afford to pay licensing fees to Hasbro, so now we're down to simple party activities that can be played with an empty two-liter of orange Fanta. Coincidentally, an empty two-liter of cheap soda also happens to be a spot-on metaphor for "Spin the Bottle."
In this same economy, apparently filmmakers can afford to feed an obese 124-minute runtime for a standard supernatural snoozer, a subgenre with no business ever bleeding over 90 minutes, let alone tipping past two hours. This is a hollow fright film, not a historical biopic whose complicated content necessitates an extended duration that's highly unfriendly for a commercial broadcast or quick hit of horror.
"Spin the Bottle" could probably shave 15 minutes just by clipping out cutaways of cars driving every time the movie switches scenes. Establishing shots oddly obsess over panoramic views of Southern California hills, which is doubly strange since the story takes place in famously flat Southeastern Texas. If you're going to shoot Simi Valley for the Lone Star State, here's a thought, maybe don't showcase geography not native to the intended region. Alternatively, you could simply set the movie in California, or nowhere specific at all, since the location is entirely inconsequential anyway.
Equally inconsequential is main character Cole, a high school football player with the charisma of wet cardboard, having to visit his mentally unstable mother Maura in Houston before moving into their family's old home in Jennings. In 1978, a cursed game of Spin the Bottle resulted in a mysterious massacre there. The supposedly haunted house has been abandoned ever since. A second cursed kissing game is obviously on its way once Cole rallies a ragtag troupe of teens, who unknowingly unleash a bottled demon connected to Cole's frightening family history, for some sloppy smooches that lead to a sloppy movie.
For a movie to be this long yet have nearly nothing happen should be a crime punishable by torture, preferably at a pain level equal to what bored viewers are forced to endure. With this setup, you expect a chain reaction of bodies to pile up one after another, except when you discount the flashback prologue, only one of the seven friends who participate in the present-day games dies in the first 75 minutes. You read that right. 75 minutes. When Blumhouse plops out one of these domino line spookers where a vengeful ghost gradually takes out teens, they're ready to roll end credits while "Spin the Bottle" is still searching for a second someone to die.
From the bottom rung of the roster to the top where its three recognizable actors rest, almost everyone is terribly miscast. I've wrestled with how to say this so as not to insult the actor; it's not really his fault someone chose him for the role. But if a characterization calls for a star quarterback, maybe he should have a body type that looks like he could do one full push-up without -- you know what, I'm deleting the rest of that cynical comment. You get the gist. Again, apologies to the actor, but this is a guy who should play a boisterous class clown who chugs beers and plays pranks, not a panty-dropping heartthrob whom cheerleaders drool over.
Conspicuously, the three notable names in the cast don't have title cards in opening credits. One might wonder if that was by request, either from the actors or their agencies who may not want their participation publicized.
As a priest, Tony Amendola plays a part whose sole purpose is providing exposition, a task made more thankless by the fact that he often only repeats the exact same background bits other characters have already offered. As Cole's mother, Ali Larter has to keep her composure through groan-inducing explanatory dialogue like, "I'm so sorry that we're in this mess. I mean, the loss of your father, the way that he went, it destroyed the life I had so carefully built for you." Then there's Justin Long, who looks only marginally more believable and comfortable as a sheriff than he would if he were dressed in a colonial soldier's uniform with a powdered wig. Every second he's onscreen, Long looks like he's fighting to forget the realization of being in a dog of a movie. At any moment, you half-expect him to flip off his cap and spontaneously say, "I'm sorry guys, I just can't go through with this anymore."
Which is something I wanted to do, but regrettably didn't, the longer "Spin the Bottle" dragged on. Saying anything else seems like a pointless pile-on. Benefit of the doubt trusts that the filmmakers had sincere intentions, but didn't have the (fill in the blank) to come anywhere close to pulling off whatever they were trying to do. Unless they wanted to make an overlong yawner with pancake-flat visuals and characters with the personality of mayonnaise, in which case, job well done.
Review Score: 15
At least the movie only runs 70 minutes, though I suppose that extra 10 technically disqualifies it from being a literal amateur hour.