MOST LIKELY TO DIE (2015)

Studio:       MarVista Entertainment
Director:    Anthony DiBlasi
Writer:       Laura Brennan
Producer:  Margaret H. Huddleston, Hannah Pillemer, Suzanne Lyons, Michael Tarzian
Stars:     Heather Morris, Ryan Doom, Perez Hilton, Chad Addison, Tess Christiansen, Marci Miller, Tatum Miranda, Johnny Ramey, Jason Tobias, Skyler Vallo, Jake Busey

Review Score:

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Summary:

On the eve of their ten-year reunion, a group of high school classmates are stalked by a masked maniac in a cap and gown.

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Synopsis:     Show/Hide Spoilers

For a 10-year reunion pre-party with former classmates from E. Smith High School, Ashley goes to the home of her professional hockey player boyfriend Ray Yoder, who was recently cut by the New York Rangers. Unable to find Ray, Ashley follows a taunting trail of clues before being captured and murdered by a masked man, “The Graduate,” wearing a cap and gown.

Professional poker player Gabriella, paroled alcoholic Freddie, prankster DJ, Lamont, Jade, and Simone arrive to prepare for the reunion party at Ray’s mansion, where local outcast Tarkin works as a caretaker. The six friends recall a collaborative prank where yearbooks were printed with their bullied classmate John Doe’s face scratched out over the phrase “Most Likely to Die.”

TV star Brad Campbell, who dated Gaby in high school before abandoning her when she became pregnant, arrives with his model girlfriend Bella. The Graduate strangles Tarkin to death as he secretly leers at Bella while she undresses. Lamont confesses his longtime crush on Simone and the two of them have sex.

Brad tries apologizing to Gaby for what happened in their past and asks if she will teach Bella poker as a favor. Gaby angrily storms off alone.

Gaby and Freddie find Ashley’s mutilated body strung up with Christmas lights in the shed. Everyone except Simone comes outside to see the body. The Graduate murders Simone while she is alone in the house.

Lamont leaves to contact the police. His car runs out of gas due to a cut fuel line and he is forced to make his way on foot.

When Simone’s body is discovered, the group realizes they are being murdered according to their “Most Likely to” monikers. Thinking she is being punked, Bella storms off after Brad admits he doesn’t care about her. DJ goes after Bella.

The Graduate stabs Brad. Gaby and Jade recover Ray’s gun and chase away the killer. Brad goes into shock on the couch.

The Graduate chases Bella back to the house and decapitates her with his mortarboard cap. He then chases and corners Gaby outside, but flees once more when Jade arrives with the gun and starts shooting. Gaby takes the gun and goes after the killer. The Graduate sneaks up behind Jade and captures her.

Gaby inadvertently kills Jade when the Graduate ties up Jade behind a mirror and tricks Gaby into shooting at his reflection. The Graduate recovers the gun when Gaby goes to Jade’s body.

Lamont finds DJ outside faking an injury. It is revealed that DJ is the killer as he murders Lamont with a hockey stick jammed down his throat.

DJ comes to the house with Ray held hostage to confront Gaby and Freddie at gunpoint. DJ confesses that he was driven to murder over guilt from participating in John Doe’s bullying. DJ claims that he reconnected with John Doe after high school, and John Doe supposedly jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge after DJ revealed how his classmates conspired to torment him.

DJ forces Gaby to stab Brad for leaving her when they were teenagers. Gaby retracts the box cutter blade she is given and pretends to kill Brad. His guard lowered, DJ gives Gaby his gun to finish the job, but Gaby uses it to shoot DJ. Gaby, Freddie, and Ray leave. As DJ’s body lies on the floor, someone, possibly John Doe, enters wearing another graduation gown and dons DJ’s mask and cap.

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Review:

It’s been ten years since good girl Gaby’s graduating class from E. Smith High School last gathered as a group to drink up, hook up, and bestow “Most Likely to” monikers on one another.  Ten years is also how much time has passed since those same people teamed up to humiliate favorite bullying target “John Doe” with a yearbook prank designating him “Most Likely to Die.”

A pre-party is planned on the eve of the reunion and all of the usual stereotypes are invited: the jock, the joker, the jilted ex, the stripteasing sexpot, the prissy perfectionist, the lone black guy, even a suspicious groundskeeper with rotten teeth and a proclivity for leering at bikini-clad beauties from the clandestine comfort of a nearby bush.  Then there is the uninvited guest carrying a cap, gown, menacing mask, and apparent grudge against everyone assembled.

As the former friends start falling victim to customized kills based on their “most likely to” predictions, the party quickly goes from mirthfully merry to murderous mystery.  If Gaby and company have any hope of avoiding a frightful fate, they need to unmask their stalker fast, even with everyone fearful that the fiend’s face could belong to a familiar friend. 

Sound like a standard slasher film setup?  It is.  “Most Likely to Die” is fit to burst with tired tropes including, but certainly not limited to, cellphones without signals, broken down vehicles, and an impossibly complex plan to creatively kill characters as they dimwittedly wander off one at a time.  And here is the unfunny thing about that:

Nothing about the above, not one single overdone element, is presented with even the slightest hint of irony.  “Most Likely to Die” is not a throwback homage to bygone horror.  It is not a playful pastiche of the slasher whodunit.  With neither cynicism nor celebration for the clichés its exploits, “Most Likely to Die” exists in a vanilla vacuum of obliviousness to the fact that it has nothing original, interesting, or entertaining to add to an overflowing subgenre with no use for another recycled rehash.  Having zero personality as either a clever chiller or self-aware parody, “Most Likely to Die” is simply an uninventive movie 20-30 years behind its time.

Anthony DiBlasi, director of “Cassadaga” (review here) and “Last Shift” (review here), sidesteps his stomping ground of supernatural horror to stab at a straightforward slasher.  But he, screenwriter Laura Brennan, and the entire cast approach the material with such stale seriousness that the script plays out as tiresomely silly.

The pre-title murder is first discovered shortly after the thirty-minute mark, although the movie is far from finished with first act exposition.  Despite staring straight at a mutilated corpse strung up with Christmas lights, everyone seems to think now is a good time to continue character development by pausing for multiple heart-to-heart conversations.  Never mind the twisted psychopath in our midst.  Let’s bury the hatchet about our friendship falling out of touch and an affair with Honors English teacher Miss Miller.

It’s already absurd watching adults work through high school melodrama when everyone has moved on to frying much bigger fish as a big money athlete, pro poker shark, TV star, etc.  It’s more ridiculous when there is a masked maniac on the loose, yet the soundtrack chimes in with sad piano keys as if soap opera drama is somehow something anyone should be concerned about.

For red herring suspense, the film introduces some of the stupidest potential suspects and motives possible.  MIA hockey player Ray was recently cut by the New York Rangers, so he must be on edge.  Maybe he was checked so hard into a concussion during his last game that slicing and dicing his girlfriend and buddies seems like a smart way to occupy early retirement.  Definitely don’t forget “John Doe.”  The movie won’t let you anyway, seeing as how several minutes are spent recapping everyone’s collective abuse of the poor boy in definitive detail for anyone who needs backstory like a sledgehammer to the skull.

Heather Morris is highly likable as leading lady Gaby.  Her earnest effort lends an authentic girl-next-door quality that charms, but doesn’t come with enough charisma to carry the entire cast.  Perez Hilton, in a role the filmmaker swears is not stunt casting, lays on the exaggerated shrieks as loud as one might fear from the notably animated gossip blogger.  Hilton is turned up to 11 when everyone else stays below five, with DiBlasi steering clear of tuning performances to the same pitch.

The only points the movie earns are for looking crisp visually and executing well enough on a technical level.  Editing and pacing are fine too, though they would fare far better if they didn’t have to staple in a stunted scene of forced sentimentality between each action sequence.

Everything else about the film?  Disappointed thumbs way down.  Underneath its headshot in the horror movie yearbook, the entry for “Most Likely to Die” might as well read, “Most Likely to Be Forgotten.”

Review Score:  35

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